I'll start from the top, or well, the moment I laid eyes on it, well actually not even that... I'll start from when the smell of Indian Curry, and Asian Spices were overpowered by the overwhelming smell of bacon.
"MMMMMM, WHAT IS THAT!?" I said as my stomach growled like a starving lion in the middle of a grocery store. "I WANT IT."
"Oh, that's the Brunch Box, it has the be-" Jessica said as I interrupted her with my hand.
"Just stop there, I'm already sold."
I approached the cart like a 7 year old approaches a relative they've never seen before who is holding out some sort of treat. If you have never seen that before, imagine a little boy tiptoeing slowly towards someone they hardly know with his hands folded up and eyes wide open and then reaching out with open arms to accept the glorious snack. That was me.
The guy in the cart was grade A Portland. He had a curled stache and that strange golf cap/french artisan hat thing on his head. Piercings, tattoos, tank top... the dude fit the part. "What'll it be today?"
I scanned the menu quickly and on impulse I ordered The Monstrosity. After ordering I read the description again, and the burger I ordered sounds like this:
Double beef.
Double cheddar.
Four strips of bacon.
Extra sweet barbeque sauce.
Ketchup and mayo.
No veggies!
ALL IN BETWEEN TO GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES....
THE GRILLED CHEESES ARE THE BUNS....
What have I done?
Whilst it was being made, I did pushups, jumping jacks, ran up and down the boulevard, and cried. I knew I made a mistake, I knew I was going to regret this later on, but I can't reverse my decision. I imagined myself walking to the cart and asking to change my order. He would look at me, and then turn around and exit the cart and stand in front of me. Obviously, he would tower over me at least 4 feet (becasue this is my nightmare), and he would laugh in a meniacally deep villainous laugh and then push me aside. There was no way I was gonna do that.
So instead, I pretended to be a tough guy and asked him if it was almost done.
"Here it is brother." The Portlandian said.
I held out both of my hands just like the 7 year old from earlier, and in my hands he laid a brick. It was the sandwich, but it was heavier than a BigMacWhopperTripleCheeseburger thing... IT WAS HEAVY OKAY. I could easily get my lift on with this thing and be sore in the morning.
I unwrapped the hellish sandwich and immediately felt as though I had sinned. I felt like God was looking down on me with amazement as I tried to find the best place to take the commencement bite. There it was, the side with BBQ sauce oozing out onto the edge of an extra long slice of bacon... it was now or never. CRUNCH.
I melted.
It was juicy, delicious, tender, saucy, and the greatest explosion of flavor my mouth has ever had...well, I was hungry, so maybe this was exaggerated, but it was good...very good.
Anyway, I ate the burger and wasn't hungry for the next 3 days. Grease stayed on my hands for weeks, and it took another full day of walking around Portland before I burned off an 1/8th of the calories in that thing.
All in all though, it was the best dang burger thing I have ever eaten.
